Listening Within, Part 2: Working With Your Inner Parts
- Michael Sundell
- Jul 10
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 13
How compassionate listening can help resolve internal conflicts
In the last post, we explored how ambivalence—feeling pulled between two different directions—is a normal, human experience. Rather than being one consistent self, each of us contains multiple internal parts with different needs, roles, and ways of viewing the world. When these parts conflict, you might feel stuck, procrastinate, or judge yourself harshly. But recognizing these conflicts as conversations between different inner voices can help transform your relationship with yourself, moving you toward curiosity and compassion.
Now that we understand ambivalence as natural inner conversations, let's explore how to engage with these different voices more skillfully and resourcefully.
The classroom inside your mind
Imagine your inner self as a classroom full of children. Each child has a unique personality: there are social types, loners, rebels, conscientious caretakers, quiet observers, adventurous risk-takers, protective guardians, and those needing care and safety.
Throughout your day, these parts shift in and out of leadership. At any given moment, one part steps forward and temporarily becomes the leader, or the "executive" role. Whichever part is in this leadership position shapes your sense of identity in that moment—it becomes your felt sense of "I."
For example, you have a part that knows how to get dressed each morning. Another part knows how to drive your car. If you're a professional musician, you have a highly skilled musical part. Right now, as you're reading this post, the part of you that knows how to read is active. If you suddenly needed to drive somewhere, the reading part would step back, and the driving part would step forward.
The reality is there's no single, unified "you" consistently making every decision.
Instead, you contain a community of inner parts, each with its own skills and perspectives. This isn't a problem; it's a healthy aspect of being human. We wouldn't want one single part dominating the executive role all the time—because then other essential needs would go unmet.
The goal is not to force all parts to agree or merge into a single voice. Rather, it's to encourage them to relate to one another more compassionately and effectively.
Helping inner parts find their best roles
Sometimes a part ends up in the leadership role trying to perform a task it isn't suited for or doesn't want to do. This situation can create stress, anxiety, and fatigue.
By inviting a calmer, more confident part to step in, you can give the stressed part a break. This takes the pressure off immediately. The inner tension then naturally softens, because each part has found its most appropriate and comfortable role.
You see this a lot with performance anxiety, procrastination, or any task that makes us feel anxious and it works like this. The part that's feeling anxious wants safety and protection. It doesn't want to be the part in charge of performing. But there is a performer part that loves to perform and is good at it and would really like to be in charge during those performances. And the anxious protective part, realizing that allowing the performing part to do its best actually increases the chances of feeling safe, would love to let go and let the performer part lead. With this shift in roles, the anxiety often just dissolves.
Finding harmony through higher needs
When two parts are in conflict, the key is to uncover the deeper need each one is trying to meet. One effective way to do this is through gentle questioning:
First, ask the part: "What do you want?"
After the part responds, softly ask, "Why is this important?" or "What would having this give me that's even more meaningful?"
Let me walk you through how this might work with the potato chips scenario from Part 1. The part craving chips might initially say, "I want those chips because they'll taste good." Asking "Why is that important?" might reveal, "Because I've had a stressful day and I need comfort." Going deeper: "What would comfort give you?" might uncover, "A sense of peace and ease."
Meanwhile, the part focused on weight loss might say, "I want to avoid the chips to reach my goal." Asking "Why is this important?" could reveal, "Because I want to feel confident in my body." Going deeper: "What would confidence give you?" might also arrive at "A sense of peace and ease."
When you do this with both parts, you'll often discover that their deepest needs are surprisingly similar or complementary. With this insight, the conflicting parts naturally become more open to cooperation and compromise. Rather than opposing one another, they realize their deeper values align.
Sometimes a new third option emerges, something neither part had considered before. In the chips example, both parts wanting peace and ease might discover that taking a brief walk or calling a friend could meet that need more effectively than either strict avoidance or mindless eating.
Somatic reflection: Compassionate engagement with your inner parts
When you notice ambivalence or inner conflict arising, pause to reflect in this way:
Softly locate each part within your body. Notice their physical qualities: their location, shape, size, texture, and movement. Don't worry if you can't sense anything at first—sometimes parts communicate through emotions, images, or simple knowing rather than physical sensations.
Quietly acknowledge each part's presence, giving them permission to be exactly as they are right now, without attempting to change or influence them.
If you notice judgment arising toward a part, gently notice the part that's judging. Allow yourself to be present and curious with whatever arises.
Once you're able to hold both parts with compassionate presence and curiosity, ask each part, "What do you want?" If a part doesn't immediately respond, that's okay—simply remain open and patient. If it does respond, ask, "Why is this important?" Continue this questioning until you discover each part's deeper needs.
Finally, invite your unconscious mind to quietly explore a new solution that could meet both parts' deeper needs. You might ask:
"What does each part offer that the other needs?"
"How could these gifts come together in a new way?"
This compassionate inquiry creates an open space for your inner wisdom to discover creative and unexpected solutions. It also interrupts cycles of self-judgment, moving you instead toward self-acceptance, harmony, and deeper clarity.
Rather than fighting against yourself, you're learning to become a wise facilitator of your own inner community—creating the conditions for cooperation, understanding, and genuine resolution. This shift from internal conflict to internal collaboration is one of the most profound changes you can make in your relationship with yourself.
As you begin to listen to your inner parts with more compassion, you may notice something surprising: even the most conflicting parts are often trying to protect you or help you in some way.
But what exactly are they trying to protect or provide?
In Part 3, we’ll explore the deeper emotional currents that shape most inner conflicts—fear and desire—and how understanding these deeper motivators can bring a new level of clarity and direction to your decision-making.
Stay connected.
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